Lorele Jade Phoenix
I realize now a lot of how much you like to show up in my life.
How else could I have made it this far?
I couldn’t have done it this far without you.
You’ve kept my heart soft, as much as possible,
tending to mine own hearth flame.
Even with the world trying its damnedest to jade me,
I keep coming back to this sensitive place inside me.
I still hold within my breast this energy,
this flame of hope, this undying compassion.
Even during the darkest nights, I stay awake,
and I feel like there is a spark of hope on the seas,
waiting for my ship to sail through the waves,
finding that flame of hope hidden behind a rock somewhere.
I let myself feel the emotional pain of what goes on around me;
I empathize so quickly it nearly scares me.
I keep forgetting how you must tend to my heart
with a warm towel, bathed in some sort of divine love,
and with gentle hands you must guide it.
There’s something more to it all that I know,
I don’t know if I’ll understand it or even believe it.
I trust in Venus, in Taurus, in unconditional love.
You must be somewhere up there laughing at me,
thinking I’m some horny fool who pursues selfish desires,
and yet I have a heart waiting for someone kind and gentle,
so that I may give to them the blessings you have given me.
These blessings aren’t mine to keep; they are yours to give,
and as much as I want to hold on, I know there is more.
There is love which comes from Heavenly Ouranos,
the ideals in the heart of man, from whom you come,
the energy of procreation, the force of life itself,
in the very essence of the foaming surges of the ocean.
The crashing of gentle waves on the seashore in my home town,
the murmur of the tidal stream as the lagoon empties into the bay,
the warm sands along the edges of a sunlit beach in the summer,
the days when the flow tide leaves muddy pools out to the rock,
when the children chase each other across the sunbathers,
when the seagulls gently land and pick at the latest offering,
when the breeze cools the swimmers emerging from the water,
when the family sits in the noonday sun enjoying a picnic.
These dreams aren’t mine, and I always hope they can be.
I know that there is something out there that loves me.
I know that “something” is you, whatever I may call you,
I know you are out there, doing something on my behalf,
waiting for me to make the right choices to find my love,
waiting for me to show you just how wonderful my love is.
I think maybe you would be “jealous” of me,
that I experience time, space, causality, probability,
I know I envy that you are eternal and enduring,
full of the limitless potentials of love in this universe,
and when I think of that, perhaps,
I think of how much I am blessed to be one,
one whom you have chosen to speak to in this life,
one whom you have chosen to bless with your gifts,
one whom you have chosen to experience these potentials.
It’s so rarely that I sit and think about you like this,
and it strikes me that I’ve done something recently,
that reminds me of when I felt this way before,
this urge to live, to create, to share something.
To want to share my sexuality.
To create art for the sake of it.
I wonder why it seems to be the energy of the day,
of the force which drives me to dream undreaming,
to live, to happen, to unfold,
to start from this one little place,
this one little corner of the Universe,
where I see everything out from these eyes,
out to the vivity in front of me,
to wonder what happens next as I spend a moment,
thinking a thought, calling out a name,
performing a deed, speaking in words,
and suddenly seeing something, having a revelation,
as though I stopped trying to contain these ideas,
to constrain my logic that this cannot be that,
and seeing how it could simply be an interpretation,
and appreciate it uniquely from my own point of view.
How else could I have been gifted with such a bounty?
There have been times when I was like that ship,
sailing in the dark night, seeing a hint of light,
like a glimmer off of a rippling wave in the distance,
and knowing that the flame hope was somewhere out there,
like a small candle, hidden from me, behind some rock,
sheltered but waiting for me to rediscover it again.
It’s like a chase.
I find it, and I lose it,
only to find it again.
What have I learned during all this time in between?
Is it so hard…
to believe that somewhere,
I am making a difference?
It’s that love, to believe that this little energy I have,
I expend with the hope that it comes back,
will this investment in energy pay off?
I must believe it will, somewhere in my heart,
beyond all reason, beyond all logic, beyond doubt.
I could never give up on believing that it’s worth it.
Maybe I’m spending time on the roller coaster,
wondering what it’s like to be on a roller coaster,
wondering what it’s like to be off the roller coaster,
never really sure which of these I’m living,
hoping that when it comes to a pause, it doesn’t end,
just giving me a sense of relief from the motion,
a sense of peace, stillness, calmness, quietus.
So much, so much, so much.
I know that this circle of love,
this circle of life around me,
it surrounds as far as I can sense,
as though I’m the only one here,
and the circumference is the center,
the radius is a non-distance for you,
reaching in to me, to me heart as needed,
filling me with some sense of joy in action,
a happiness in creation and expression,
and this is what I get to live.
I write all of this,
yet I can’t bring myself to ask,
I do not know exactly how to ask,
for something I do not even know.
I would call it my soul mate.
I would call it my ideal partner.
I would call it my true love.
I would call it my spiritual harmony.
These words are so dense yet empty,
and it seems like maybe it’s not the time,
maybe it’s not the place or space,
maybe it’s just the right time, though,
and for everything I’ve given,
may I receive that which is due,
that I may receive my love returned,
and realize I am yet able to give more,
and find the energy connection of love,
that desire to experience the depths,
to know, to trust the unknown,
to have faith in the guidance of life,
that in time and space, I will find
in this Universe, “The One” for me.
— I love you.
Somewhere inside, it’s not right to say that.
It’s not right to say it that way.
— I want you to know it,
or maybe you want me to hear it,
— feel it and believe it,
and maybe I’ll try to be uncertain,
maybe I’ll try to believe it this time,
and know in my heart that I have love,
— unconditional love
waiting for someone to unlock it all,
with gentle words, touches, caresses,
a soothing aura, a charming gaze,
an enduring pulse, a carnal throbbing,
and risking it all in that moment,
giving in to something more than this,
just knowing that I will be all right,
in sure and secure love in my heart,
from the heart of someone else in my life.
— It will come.